Gratitude Journal Day One

In light of all the self-isolation, social-distancing, and general crazy around our current health crisis - I thought I'd challenge myself to find something to be grateful for every single day and write about it.

I'm going to be looking for the not-so-profound things I might miss in our regular schedule. Those small gestures offered up that could be overlooked in our daily hustle. A moment of peace that isn't compromised by 'busy.'

Here's a photo of something that made me really happy today!

I know, it's a made bed. NBD, right? But hear me out...

I am Team Make-Your-Bed. I am a bed-maker from well, ever since I can remember. I make my bed immediately after getting out of bed. Even before coffee. 

However, due to my current schedule of opening the studio 4 mornings a week, I typically come come to an unmade bed, as hubs couldn't care less about this task. It hurts me every day. (Not really.)

But seriously, it makes me feel disorganized and undisciplined and I do not like to live in that space.

Today, Day One of EVERYBODYSTAYATHOME, I made my bed. And life is good.

Sooo, funny story…

I have started a text message, 2 emails (one work-related no less), and 3 conversations like that this past week. Not kidding. It’s like I’m at a place in life where incredible things are happening. Some within my control and some totally off board and possibly from outer space.

Or maybe not. 

Maybe these happenings are totally random...and maybe they are wishes being manifested. Either way, I am in. And resoundingly open. (I've taken to reminding myself multiple times a day to stay that way!)

Let me give you two ‘for instances.’

1. I have long dreamed of a job, in a profession that I love, where I can truly be me. Detail oriented, thoughtful, goofy, sarcastic, joyful, and possibly unorthodox.

I have that. 

2, My husband and I always dreamed of retiring in San Diego, CA.

Guess where we live. (Despite being nowhere near retiring.)

Is life perfect now? Hell no. Is it all good? Same answer. Are there completely crap days on a regular basis? Yep. Even so, the positivity I allow in can alter a pattern. Change a course. Maybe even make someone's day.

Yep, I am paying attention to all of this. 

Not long after relocating my brother asked me, “Has it sunk in yet? Where you live?” I replied, “I’m not sure.” Honestly, I hope it never settles in and I am in a perpetual state of awe and appreciation.

Good Memories and Funny Mistakes

Below is a fuller version of a story I shared at dad's service. I'm so glad I made notes of what I wanted say because I absolutely do not remember the majority of it. As much as I dislike speakers who simply 'read' their remarks, I am forever grateful I did.

**********

My dad really enjoyed being right. And he was, more often than not. He was one of the smartest people I know and loved learning about new things, whether by reading or experiencing them. He was forever open to new adventures, people, and places.

Years ago, I was living and working in a small-ish seaside town in Nor Cal. My parents and siblings decided to ditch the central valley and spend a weekend in another town just to the south of me. (This town was famous for having a celeb mayor with the catch phrase, "Go ahead, make my day.")

But I digress.

My dad called me with directions to where they were staying and I diligently wrote them down. Yes, handwritten directions...this was long before printing mapquest directions, and light years from google maps or waze. It was the early days of cell phones too, when they were huge and clunky with horrible connections and mostly you had to shout to be heard.

I made it to the town they were in but could not seem to find the exit dad specified. I drove up and down the coast several times before I finally decided to call him. (Remember cell phone calls were SO expensive back then!)

While talking with him, I told him I could't find the "Fern Sin" exit he'd mentioned earlier. He was a bit testy with me and said several times that the exit is clearly marked. He remarked maybe I wasn't looking closely enough. Umm, ok.

Finally I said, "Dad, I can't find "Fern Sin" anywhere, but I keep driving by a "Fern Canyon" exit that's abbreviated, "Fern C-y-n."

Dad was silent for a long moment and then he said, "Take that exit."

**********

We laughed about it later and it evolved into a running joke in our family. A placemarker to remind us even the most intelligent people miss things. Make mistakes. Get confused. And that it's ok. It might eventually become a story you'll love to retell.

13 months, dad, and there's so much I want to tell you about.

Beautiful Beginnings

I am still kind of amazed at the circumstances that placed me where I am today. Both the good and the hard parts. I didn’t understand all the moving pieces while they were flying about, but I can easily see why I am here now. 

The studio where I work has quickly become another beautiful part of this life’s journey. I know where I come from - shout out to #fusionfamily - so I recognize where there’s a wonderful foundation for love, connection, and growth.

My co-workers are all - without exception - professional, uplifting, witty, understanding & generous with their knowledge as we’ve all together ‘learned the ropes’ of opening a brand new location. And we have so much fun connecting with each other every week.

I KNOW. It sounds too good to be true. But it really, truly is!

Then, we get to turn around and offer all this goodness to our members…and that is an incredible thing. In fact it is a huge thing in this industry. It’s what sets us apart from the (literally) hundreds of studios in the surrounding area. I’m so proud to tell people where I work!

As I think about 2020, I anticipate reaching new goals, both personally and professionally. And the best bit? I know I’ll be well-supported in both at this company.

Now that’s a Happy New Year!

Sunday Thoughts

In this year of learning how to live without dad, one of the most remarkable experiences has been having people who know loss reach out. Even in the midst of a storm in their own lives. Especially when I was keeping pretty much everyone at arms length - a determined few kept checking in.

Cousins, old friends, new friends...I've been humbled by the people who willingly shared the burden with me. And I appreciate even more the ones who didn't co-opt my loss with their own, but simply acknowledged our collective struggle.

A few in particular have realigned the course of grief for me and I am so grateful. Who knew you could be grateful and grieving at the same moment? I don't intend to list names - but you people know who you are - and I love you.

It sounds like a cliche but you made me want to be a better human. A better mom and wife and friend. Your thoughtfulness reminded me to reach out anyway and love bigger...because really, as Ram Dass said, "We're all just walking each other home."

Inaugural Dando's Day

Today my little family of three started a new tradition. One I hope we will continue and maybe even share with more of our relatives. On the year anniversary of his passing, we decided to take a day to honor my dad and all the good memories we have. 

Initially, I wanted to do something on a grander scale in memory of dad, but that wasn’t in the cards this time. Maybe next year. I think he would have whole-heartedly approved of today, though.

We started off driving south, along the coast, listening to old cowboy songs. (When I was little, Dad always sang them to me while we ran errands.)

Our first stop was Philz for a snack and delicious ‘Julie’s Ultimate’ coffee & hot cocoa for E. (Dad’s given name was Phil but all his grandkids called him Dando because when Madison began talking she couldn’t quite manage ‘Grandad’ so she shortened it to ‘Dando’ & it stuck.)

Next we hit one of those ‘paint your own’ places to celebrate dad’s love of all kinds of art. E painted a ceramic horse (my dad loved & owned horses) while Chris and I worked on a Christmas ornament. We added dad’s initials to both pieces and I can’t wait to see the finished products!

Of course a trip to a local bookstore was planned - both E and I picked out books. I got a classic, ‘Don Quixote’ and she picked out a book about a wolf. (Dad was a voracious reader and was the one who introduced me to ‘Don Quixote’ so it seemed fitting to re-read it now.)

**I actually called dad collect from Cervantes’ hometown while in Spain years ago. It was probably the most expensive phone call ever, but what a cool memory we shared!

Finally, we’re headed out to enjoy some Mexican food to wrap up the day. (Dad loved this hole-in-the-wall place in our hometown - it’s since shut down - nobody but him regretted that!)

Already planning year 2 of #dandosday.

One Year

It's been one year since my dad died.

Exactly 12 months.

Precisely 365 days.

Not sure how many minutes and seconds because I don't do that kind of math.

There were/are so many emotions...too many, really, and I had to take a break from a lot of life. Hundreds of times I wanted to call him - and thought about him even more than that. The circumstances surrounding his passing are still too much to bear.

I love knowing he is safe and at peace. But his loss is something I'll carry with me for the rest of my days.

In recent years our family amended a phrase my paternal grandparents started. They told all of us grandkids, "I love you the most." 

(We even put it on my grandmother's headstone, mostly because she couldn't argue back.)

With everything our family been through, we began saying, "I love you the most no matter what."


I miss you, daddy, and ILYTMNMW!